


What Sort of Twisted Humor

by VicenteValtieri



Series: Mnd Fuckery [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Anal, Chiss, M/M, Mind fuckery, Romance, They are, being jerks, eventually, guys fucking/loving guys, multipersonality, one head, read the books if you don't believe me, romand, two beings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-29
Updated: 2016-09-21
Packaged: 2018-07-27 12:23:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7617982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VicenteValtieri/pseuds/VicenteValtieri
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Palpatine wakes up in a strange ship with someone else inside his head with him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Senator Palpatine might have been captured, had he been merely Senator Palpatine.

But Darth Sidious railed against even the idea of capture. He was a Sith!

If this were one of his master’s lessons, he would not be surprised.

But here he was, strapped down to a table with machines all around him like some kind of science experiment. And his head hurt. There were tubes in his skull, of all things. Probes and wires.

Darth Sidious was angry. The Force was brewing. No one would leave this ship, it must be a ship from the motions, alive.

And something else was angry, too. But more than angry, confused and hurt, as if betrayed.

But he had no time for that. There was destruction to wreak.

The species he found waiting outside of the laboratory was unlike any he had ever seen. He didn’t care. Ripping off heads and tearing out hearts, he made his way through it. The new presence was both pleased and repulsed by the bloodshed.

As soon as Sidious had control of the ship, he aimed for a small, sparsely populated world in the Outer Rim. He was surprised to see he was so far out in the unknown regions.

Once in the safety of hyperspace, he turned all attention to the second presence lurking in his mind. He envisioned it as a sleeping person floating in a caramel sea.

The other presence slowly became aware of him, opening his memories and consciousness up to the other like a flower. All on accident, of course. 

Then, the other stretched out will for the body to respond and touch a reflection of Palpatine in a polished surface. He probably didn’t realize that what he was looking at was an illusion, but when he spotted his hands, he knew the truth.

Palpatine almost went under the caramel waves when the other panicked. Gripping it’s neck and one arm, he twisted it under the surface, choking it down. But the carmel sea gave way to a field and Thrawn, the other presence’s name, tried to flip him.

Palpatine was surprised by the other’s strength and knew that he had to get him under control, fast. He could move his limbs, form words with his lips. It couldn’t be allowed.

If they were struggling in his mind, then imagination was his weapon. He reached out and grabbed the first thing that came to hand: Duct tape and a thick, silencing leather cowl.

It was a long struggle to pin the other’s limbs so they could be bound and the resulting figure was pitiful: jerking about, struggling to even loosen the strips of tape. Not able to hear, see, or feel, powerless to act. 

Palpatine abandoned it’s side, jerking himself back to the real world. It wasn’t until he was safely returned to his apartment on Coruscant (In an amazing three days!) that he decided to check on his mind prisoner.

Thrawn was not struggling when he approached, but as he came near, he sensed his weakness. Palpatine’s mere presence, though, excited him and he began again. Futily of course, but struggle.

Palpatine retreated, noticing that if he didn’t think too hard about Thrawn, the other grew steadily quieter. If he so much as came “near” though, he was shaking and thrashing about in his wrappings.

“How can I kill you?” He wondered. 

After a week of ignoring Thrawn, he felt the other’s pain building in the back of his mind. It was the pain of starvation, but a mental kind of starvation.

The longer the pain went on, the more acute and the weaker it became. He realized suddenly, that he could kill this annoyance by ignoring it and not allowing it sensation!

Of course, that touched too close and sent life back through the other’s aura. Gratitude and rage flowed into him and the other resumed its struggles for freedom.

Palpatine went through a vicious cycle of ignoring the presence, listening to it starve, and then absently making some mistake that brought it to life again. He couldn’t have been torturing it more effectively if he was trying.

Sometimes, he could hear words in the pain, pleas for mercy, cries for help, but he felt no particular need to answer.

Until the pleas became particularly potent during a meeting of the senate he really needed to pay attention to.

“All right, all right!” He snapped internally. “If I let you see and hear what’s going on, will you shut up?” He grabbed the leather cowl that deadened all sound off of his prisoner’s head in a jerk.

Thrawn sobbed in gratitude and simple pleasure for almost a half hour. Then, he paid attention outwards, his strength returning.

Palpatine tolerated what felt like an exceedingly tiny person, running to his eyes to look out at the world. He shared this image with Thrawn, who was less amused. Of course, Palpatine was no fool. He was keeping Thrawn’s ability to affect this body they seemed to share under lock and key.

That image brought forth a slightly better reaction from his “guest.”

When Palpatine returned to his apartment at last, he lay down to meditate.

And found himself face-to-face with the bound presence.

Thrawn was much calmer now and didn’t look sick at all, damn him. “I would ask what happened to the both of us, but you don’t know either, do you?”

Palpatine stared at him. “If I untie you, will you behave?”

“More than that, I’m sure I can help you somehow.” Thrawn acquiesced. There was a hint of the exotic about him. More than that, there was a hint of the erotic.

“I doubt that.” He crossed his arms, wary. “I still want you out of my head.”

“I would like that very much, myself.”

“Well. How?”

“I suppose, if you hadn’t been so intent on killing the scientists responsible, we might have found out.” Thrawn pointed out.

Palpatine crossed his arms and looked away. “You weren’t so unhappy about it at the time.”

“I was confused, angry, and hurt.” Thrawn looked away. “I wasn’t thinking. I just wanted to escape.”

Palpatine raised a brow.

“Point taken.” Thrawn sighed. “Can we get out of this dark room? I’m sure we can come up with something more comfortable.”

Palpatine sighed and closed his eyes. “Sure. Why not? My living room sound all right?”

“Certainly.” 

Palpatine shut his eyes for a moment and opened them back up to find himself sitting on a plush, black sofa, facing Thrawn. “Well, what do we do now?”

Thrawn closed his eyes and envisioned a tea set with a dark, aromatic tea in it. “I don’t know. But please, don’t try and kill me again. I don’t think I could take it and I doubt it will work.”

“Don’t try to use my faculties and I won’t. This is my body we’re in.” Palpatine set that firmly in place. “I’ll be setting up shields against you, but nothing so extreme as my initial reaction.”

“So, I’m to be a sort of houseguest in your head.” Thrawn nodded. “Fair. I wonder if this will last. Will my personality and memories eventually fade from yours?”

“I don’t know. You feel pretty permanent at the moment. Like you’re rooted. Otherwise, my meditation sessions should have gotten rid of you.”

“Why do I begin to feel unwanted?” Thrawn made a weak attempt at a joke. “I can help you. I’m certain you will have need of advice on the cultures of species from time to time and I am very perceptive.”

“Right. While I’m at it, I should let you organize my memory files.” Palpatine snorted.

“If you insist. Alphabetical or chronological?”

“That was sarcasm.” 

“Duly noted.” Thrawn sipped his tea. “I assume that you will want to restrict me from too much interaction and will want to eke out some private space for yourself.” 

“Of course. I assume we could build walls and have gates, or maybe lock particular memories in chests.” Palpatine used the imaging.

“Walls would probably be more effective to keep me in a particular area.” Thrawn looked around the room. “I suppose I could decorate for myself at some point.”

“It’s not like we’ll run out of room on the inside of my skull.” Palpatine looked around. “It might be nice to have someone I can trust. Within limitations, of course.”

“Of course.” Thrawn smiled.

And their bargain was struck.


	2. Palpatine's Little Wife

As it turned out, Thrawn was remarkably good at sorting out Palpatine's rather tangled memories any way one wished. Of course, Palpatine never allowed him to actually see the memories, envisioning them as carefully locked books with titles on the front, and he kept a careful eye on Thrawn as he worked, whistling.

"Look at you. You're like a little woman. Like my tiny little wife, trying to keep the house clean."

"I am not your wife." Thrawn shot back, tossing a memory at the Sith, resting in the armchair.

Which was not to say that Palpatine's description was entirely inaccurate. Thrawn had become very concerned with Palpatine's well being now that he had accepted that Palpatine's body was his own soul's cradle as well as the Sith's.

He gave a little squeak of fear as an irate senator barked in Palpatine's face, the fangs just a trifle too close for comfort.

Furthermore, he had mastered the art of giving Palpatine useful bits of knowledge and information almost instantly. For example, he gave Palpatine the knowledge of certain nerve points on an attacker that would allow him to hold the alien paralyzed until the Senate guards woke up from whatever naps they were taking and moved into action. Lives were saved and Palpatine's calm demeanor and cool handling of the unsuspecting killer gave him a higher estimation in Garm Bel Iblis' eyes.

Thrawn couldn't keep Palpatine out of his own emotions and memories, but the Sith lord didn't often pry deeply. It amused him to compare the Thrawn that he had the privilege of seeing firsthand to the Thrawn that he used to put between him and others.

"Your emotions are like birds, always in motion." He had imagined them an aviary and they were playing with the twittering birds.

Thrawn threw a handful of bread crumbs over his host. "Are yours truly better?" He threw a hand to his mouth to disguise a giggle as a flock of small songbirds converged on crumbs caught in every fold of the Sith Lord's robes. 

"Hmph." Palpatine shook himself to be rid of both birds and crumbs. "Not to your extent."

Thrawn just laughed, his voice attracting a richly colored specimen to his fingers.

"Enough of this. I need to sleep." Palpatine banished the aviary, locking Thrawn into the "quarters" that he had assigned his prisoner/guest, and allowing himself to float on hot fudge.


	3. Come Back to My Side

It had been several days since Palpatine had last let Thrawn contact him. He had fed his guest on a diet of impressions and peaceful, non incriminating noises, but as soon as the Chiss had supped its fill on sensation, he had locked him into the home he had built in his mind without speaking.

He was on a mission that required no distractions.

Thrawn seethed at the new blocking, he could feel it in the back of his mind, but he had set an uncrossable gulf between them and was keeping it in good condition.

At last, he was home again, and ready to see Thrawn.

Thrawn leapt on him as soon as he broke the wall. They tussled, almost in earnest, before the Chiss went slack beneath him. "I hate you."

"No, you don't." Palpatine pinned his wrists on either side and tickled the inside of his palms. In defense, the Chiss fisted his hands. 

"Yes, I do. You demand total transparency from me, but the moment you have something exciting to do, something I could help you with, you lock me up so I can't see!" Thrawn bucked and pitched, rolling away as soon as the Sith let him go. 

Palpatine rested his chin on one hand. "My body, my rules?" He offered, half teasing.

Thrawn harrumphed and turned away, crossing his arms.

"Oh, don't be like that! Have you ever been on a carousel?"

"A what?" Thrawn turned back slightly. "Are you trying to distract me from the issue?"

"Of course not." Palpatine sighed to himself. He should have known it wouldn't work. "Merely suggesting an alternate venue."

"Oh, all right, then. But this conversation isn't over. I resent being kept in the dark."

"Don't I know it. All right, where's that volume?" He looked up at the stacks of memories appearing all around him.

"How's the word spelled. It should be in the title." Thrawn was already climbing a ladder.

"C-A-R..." Palpatine began, but Thrawn had found the book already. 

"Here we go. Six years old, Carousel ride." Thrawn passed him the green volume, green because it had been a happy memory, or happy as his childhood went, that was.

Palpatine opened the lock and let the book fall open. The book expanded and became a gateway onto a brightly colored, children's amusement park.

Palpatine was in a white suit with a porkpie hat on his head and a cane in hand. Thrawn was clinging to his arm as they stepped through. He looked down at his visitor and nearly choked. "Thrawn, what are you wearing?"

Thrawn blinked up at him. "Is it inappropriate?" He stepped back and looked down at the frilly, pink frock covered by a black wool bolero. His own hat was white and wreathed with flowers. Laced-up, high heeled shoes peeked out beneath a slightly raised hemline. 

Palpatine cackled, gripping his middle. "Thrawn, that's for women."

Thrawn raised himself with dignity. "It's also more comfortable than your suit."

Palpatine wiped his eyes. "I can't argue." He straightened and offered the arm again. "Shall we?"

Thrawn took his elbow and allowed himself to be pulled into the surreal playscape. At last, they stood before a gold and red carousel, each mount a mythical beast.

"Let's find two, side by side." Palpatine pushed through the crowd with Thrawn and settled on a mer-tusk cat.

Thrawn was forced to take an unagi beside him by the children reaching for mounts. Slowly, the ride began to move.

If it had been mere memory, the ride would have stopped at some point, but by now they were firmly within the realm of imagination as well. Palpatine laughed in delight as the carousel kept going. "I always dreamed of a carousel ride as long as I liked." He turned to face Thrawn. "Now, you can air your grievances."


	4. Round and Round

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I recommend Imagine Dragon's Round and Round for this chapter. It has a similar rhythm to what I imagine Thrawn's speech pattern as.

Thrawn and Palpatine sat side-saddle facing each other on the perpetual ride. The long, slippery unagi beneath Thrawn was tricky to balance on, so he gripped a pole and grabbed at his hat with the other hand. "First off: Transparency. If you can keep secrets from me, I want to keep secrets from you."

"Do you have any secrets to keep?"

"Perhaps I do." Thrawn wanted to cross his arms, but the moment his grip loosened on the pole, he nearly fell off the unagi.

As if sensing his discomfort, Palpatine transformed the unagi into a Pegasus and slowed the ride slightly.

"Thank you. As I was saying: You don't have to tell me everything, but there's obviously something you're not telling me. Something big and dangerous, if I am correct. I understand, but you locked me up for almost a week, leaving me to subsist on second hand sensation and my own imagination while you were exploring a very real, very exciting world all on your own. It was like eating dry wheat toast while you had an apple dumpling. Do you understand?"

To Palpatine's surprise, he did. "I see. How about if I take a trip soon and we'll do whatever you want? You can have any sensation you like."

Thrawn pouted out his plush, blue lips. "That might help, but my main point is that I never want you to lock me up entirely. I can understand your fear that I could take control. I understand you keeping that locked up, but my mind? What can I do without movement, without speech?"

Palpatine laughed darkly. "I would like to keep your good opinion. There are things I must do that you would not wish to experience."

Thrawn frowned, biting his lip. It was most appealing. "You once called me your tiny wife. Did you mean it?"

"To a point..."

"Then trust me to be with you, to help you, to stand by you. I could love you, if you would let me. If you would trust me."

Palpatine was silent for a long moment. Thrawn sighed and looked away. "It was fun, Palpatine. Thank you." He dismounted and walked away, hopping easily off of the ride and walking towards the gate. He disappeared into the ether beyond the memory and didn't return to the forefront of Palpatine's mind for almost a full day.


	5. Reappearance

Thrawn reappeared the next morning. "Where would you suggest we go for vacation?"

Palpatine looked up from his toast mentally. "We could do some research. What do you want to do?"

"I want to see oceans. Lots of different oceans." Thrawn draped his mental self across Palpatine's lap.

"A world that's mostly water then. Cold or hot oceans."

"Both." Thrawn flipped over. "And give me a back rub. I'm all sore and tired."

Palpatine laughed, making his mental self dig his knuckles into the expanse of blue muscle. "How did you get sore and tired?"

"I was pacing in high heels." Thrawn sighed. "I forgot to take my carousel clothes off."

"That will do it." Palpatine smiled. "So, an ocean planet with a thin enough atmosphere to allow for diversity in temperature and fauna. I think I know just the place. There are even submarine cruises."

"Perfect. When can we go?"

"Next week. Just let me get ahead on some paperwork." Palpatine assured Thrawn.

"Okay." Thrawn stood up and stretched. "I'll make up a wardrobe for this."

Palpatine never pointed out that Thrawn's insistence on "making wardrobes" or "cooking dinner" or "taking a bath" were a bit ridiculous considering that Thrawn didn't have a body and couldn't do those things. The last time he had even suggested that it was slightly silly, it had thrown Thrawn into a bit of a depression.

Now, he just enjoyed it. Thrawn could be very creative about his "work" anyway. It was enjoyable to watch him, when he allowed Palpatine to. He was very modest when it came to dressing and bathing. Palpatine wondered what he called to mind to bathe in. He had been present in the forefront of Palpatine's mind when he had bathed, but somehow it struck Palpatine as highly unlikely that Thrawn would simply use a duplicate of his own bath room.


	6. Understanding and Reunion

Palpatine took Thrawn on his ocean vacation. Thrawn was delighted with all of the sensations and experiences.

For Palpatine's part, he explained to Thrawn a great deal.

Thrawn understood and responded. On that vacation, they had their first time.

They were happy.

 

Until Outbound Flight.

 

Thrawn curled up in a corner of Palpatine's mind and cried his blessed little heart out. 

Palpatine held him and comforted him. "It's all right. That wasn't you. It wasn't you."

Thrawn sobbed. "But it was. It's a part of me. It's something of me."

Palpatine sniffed his hair deeply. "Then the transfer wasn't complete. Only part of you is with me. And that creature is another piece."

Thrawn nodded, sobbing harder.

 

He made the declaration early the next morning. "I want to be put back in him."

Palpatine felt an icy finger of dread. "But Thrawn... What about me?"

"Palpatine, I'll still love you. I promise. But couldn't you see how he was suffering? Couldn't you see how cold and afraid he is? He's trapped. I took the pieces of him that could see the beauty in the world. He's just pragmatism and logic."

Palpatine wanted to lash out. "What if you're lost? What if I can't put you back?"

Thrawn hugged him. "Just have faith."

Palpatine felt tears cutting tracks down his cheeks. "Okay. I'll do it."

 

Thrawn, tied to a chair, struggled at his bonds. Palpatine stared him down. "You'll live to regret this."

Palpatine sighed and tuned him out. "Are you sure?"

Thrawn inside his head responded. "I'm sure. Put me in him."

Palpatine envisioned Thrawn in the palm of his cupped hands, a golden globe. He pressed the globe into Thrawn's chest and pushed forwards.

While Thrawn shrieked and struggled, the comforting presence fled his mind.

Thrawn screamed and cried for a long time. When he finally settled down, Palpatine stroked his cheeks. "Thrawn? Are you in there?"

The body of his love stared blankly back at him. "Who are you?"

Palpatine's heart broke.


	7. Final Resolution

Thrawn recovered at Palpatine's apartment. He spent most of the time sleeping or eating anything sweet.

Palpatine occasionally tried to engage the Chiss, but the man was almost catatonic. 

He eventually gave up, burying himself in work.

One night, Thrawn crawled into bed beside him. "Palpatine?"

"Ready to talk?" Palpatine asked. 

"Yes. I- I'm confused. I have two sets of memories and they don't make sense."

"It's perfectly normal, I suppose. You've lived two lives."

"Palpatine... I'm not sure how to feel, but I know... I know that I care about you... I'm not the person you loved, but... But you're the person I do..."

Palpatine sighed and rolled towards him, opening his arms. "Come here."

Thrawn snuggled into him. "Thank you."

As the Chiss fell asleep beside him, Palpatine knew that no matter what happened, they would be okay.


End file.
